On Santa's Lap
by freakyanimegal
Summary: Cracfic. You're suppossed to sit on Santa's lap, then he asks if you've been good all year. How exactly would the ToS cast answer?Warning: I said crackfic for a reason.
1. Chapter 1

**Christmas Crackfic. Tis the season to get sugarhigh...**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!  
**

"Ho ho ho! Aren't you a little big to-?"

Lloyd sat on 'Santas' lap.

"I want a T.V., an Ipod, a xbox 360, 'Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess' and-"

"Well, have you been good this year?"

"Well...define 'good'." Lloyd rubbed the back of his neck.

"Uh...Did you kill anybody-"

"Oh sure!" Lloyd grinned. "Lots of people! Do you want the list in order?"

"Oh God."

"Well, first I killed some renegades, then some desians, then an old lady-"

"An old lady-?"

"Sure! She was crying too, then I killed Magnius, then Kvar, then an angel-"

"You killed an angel-?"

"Yep! Then I killed some knights, Rodyle, Forcystus, and some femboy. Oh, and I also caused about

four towns to be masacured because I made stupid and reckless choices."

"Have you at LEAST been good for your parents?"

"Well, my mom died when she turned into a monster and I was raised by a dwarf who throws

sledgehammers at me and tells me to dodge. Then my real dad showed up and I called him a show-

offy arrogant bastard and fought him several times and then I almost killed him."

"Did you do anything GOOD?"

"Well, I saved some politicans-"

"How DARE you! THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GETTING COAL!"

"Aw..."

**Holy crap, I'M probably getting coal for this...er...review?**


	2. Sage Siblings

**Heh heh. Thanks for the revs! Tis the season to get sugarhigh!  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own ToS. But if someone wants to get it for me for Christmas...**

"Ho ho ho! What's your name?"

"My name's Genis. And I've been a good boy!"

"I'm sure you have! Now t-"

"I want a new 'Getting Bullied for Dummies' book, a haircut, a new kendama, and world peace."

"Didn't-?"

"Oh yeah, I already made world peace. Nevermind. How about a rubber chicken?"

"A rubber chicken-?"

"Sure!"

"What for?"

"So I can hit people with it!"

"HIT PEOPLE? That's naughty!"

"But my sister does it!"

"Where's your sister?"

"Over there."

Raine walks over. "You called?"

"You hit your little brother?"

"...No..."

"LIAR!" Genis shouted. "You hit me, and Lloyd, and sometimes you drop-kick us into walls!"

"You've been very naughty Raine Sage!" 'Santa' tsks.

"Who cares? I don't believe in Santa anyway."

"GASP! RAINE! HOW COULD YOU?!"

"I am too real!" 'Santa' snaps.

"Please, in order for ONE man to fly around the world and leave presents in every home in less

than twenty-four hours he'd have to go to about a hundred houses a SECOND!"

"Uh...well..."

"And even if that was possible, the friction would burn you up!"

"WAAAAH!" Genis cried. "Make her stop!"

"No one can fly anyway unless they have a rheaird or they're angelic! Even then, rheairds can only go

so fast and angels CAN NOT fly around the world in twenty-four hours!"

"Kratos can!" Genis retaliated. "Lloyd told me!"

"Lloyd's a dumbass, so how can you take him seriously?"

"..."

Genis got up and kicked Santa in the shins.

"CONMAN!"

**Oh lord...heheheh...**


	3. The RedHeads

**Tis the season to get sugarhigh!  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own ToS. If I did, Yuan would've been a playable character, Kratos **

**would've stayed with you the whole time, and God dammit he'd have a beach outfit!**

"No."

"C'mon. I dare ya."

"Never."

"You don't have the guts to? Fine. I'll do it."

"If you do it, then I'll do it."

"DEAL!"

Zelos walked up and sat on Santa's lap, Kratos watching.

"Uh...aren't you a bit big-?"

"Sure, don't care. Listen pops, let me lay down the deal. I'm Zelos, I want a playboy mansion, twenty

scantly clad super models, a pack of condoms, and-"

"Anything NOT perverted?"

"Sure." Zelos went all dark and moorish. "I want the feelings and concern of the wonderful Sheena

Fujibayashi. Merely for her to see me as someone worthy of her affection."

There was an emo-induced silence.

"Okay...have you been...good this year?"

"Well...I betrayed my friends and almost turned my sister over to a cult, but then I decided my friends

were more worth it to stand by so instead I found something to help them and went back to them."

"Well...betrayal is bad, but you did go back..."

"Yep. Then we saved the world."

"You saved the world?"

"Yep. Me and the red-clad dumbass."

"...You mean Lloyd?"

"Yeah. Know him?"

Santa quickly put Lloyd on the 'nice' list, right under Zelos'.

"Okay. Got it."

"Thanks! Bye!"

Zelos left, pushing Kratos over to Santa.

"You made a deal, remember?" Zelos smirked.

"...I REFUSE to sit on his lap!"

"All right! Then just talk!"

"And you are...?" Santa said.

"Kratos. I'm the father of 'the red-clad dumbass'."

"My condolonces."

"Thank you. At any rate...I don't want anything for Christmas."

"Are you sure?"

"No. All I'd ever want was for my Anna to be back, but...That won't happen."

Another emo silence.

"Anything else?"

"...For my son to call me 'dad' and get passing grades."

Lloyd, who was having a snowball fight, sneezed.

"Well, good luck with that." Santa said.

"Thank you."

"Have you been good this year?"

Kratos went emo again. "I've seen things, I've done things, things that would haunt your soul and scar

at your mind, things that most people hardly see in their nightmares."

"...But have you been good?"

"Well, Lloyd would have never saved the world if it wasn't for me...so I suppose so."

"Good, now get out of here before I call the looney bin."

Kratos glared at him, the fat-man practically wetting himself.

"N-nevermind..."

**Well, someone said 'ZELOS!' another said 'KRATOS!' so...here we are.**


	4. Possesd Yuan and tattletale Presea

**Tis the season to get sugarhigh!  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own ToS. Otherwise, the game would be like five times longer...**

Yuan' grumbled, walking toward 'Santa'.

"Uh...Hello!" Santa said. "Why're you here?"

"Listen you figment of children's imagination!" the Seraph snapped. "I am here to give you my

'wishlist' no, not my wish, my DEMANDS! For Christmas."

Santa looked scared. "Uh...Okay..."

"Yes. Well..." Yuan looked around. "I want...I want a comb...and pretty hairbows!"

"Uh...Aren't you a guy?"

"NO! I mean...yes. It's just...yeah, er...look, just gimme those! And a my little pony."

"Oookaaayyy...Have you been good all year?"

"HAH! GOODNESS IS FOR WIMPS! I SHALL HAVE MY REVEN- I mean, yes."

"..And who are you again?"

"I'm Mi- I mean, YUAN! Yes, Yuan!"

Then Yuan started twitching, and shouting things such as 'DAMN YOU MITHOS! GET OUT!'

"THANK GOD!" the bluenette shouted. "Mithos was posessing me!"

"Mithos?"

"Hey, who are you?" Yuan blinked. "What am I doing here?"

Santa sighed. "What do you want for Christmas?"

"I want my love to be happy in her eternal rest." Yuan said, emoish.

"...Anything else?"

"Well...Yeah, why not? Hm...how about hair gel? And a new office desk?"

"Okay. Why not? So...have you been good this year?"

"Well...I've been running the organization that has been attempting to stop Cruxis and return the

worlds' to normal thus freeing them from the vying cycle, so yeah, I guess."

"Wow, that is pretty good...Okay Yuan, I've got it."

"Thank you." Yuan said. "...And...if anyone asks, I wasn't here."

"Got it."

That's when a pink-haired girl walked up to Santa, staring.

"Uh...Hello?"

"I feel the need to inform you of things." Presea stated. "One. Lloyd is a retard of extravagant

proporitons, however, he did save the world and the people in it."

"Oh...all right, I've got him on the good list already."

"Two. Zelos is a philanderer who desires to have intercourses with every female he sees, regardless of

age or species then goes to extremes to get it."

Santa paled, "Like what-?"

Ten seconds later.

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! STOP! MY EARS!"

"All right." Presea stopped.

Santa quickly scratched Zelos' name of the good list.

"Third. Both Kratos and Yuan worked for the organization which attempted to kill us all and then

through various acts of sneaking and betrayal came to our side. However, Yuan attempted to kill us

several times and Kratos attempted to kill HIMSELF at least twice, after killing his spouse."

Santa went bugeyed.

"Anything else?"

"...Yes. I want a kitten for Christmas." Presea said. "I like to poke them."

"Poke them...?"

Presea took her axe and put it at his throat.

"If you tell anyone I was here, I will decapitate you, are we clear?"

"Y-yes ma'am..."

"Good. Have a nice day."

**Hehehehehehehehe...**


	5. Confessions of a ditz and convict

**Tis the season to get sugarhigh!  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own ToS. Or it would be a series by now! AND THEY WOULD MAKE **

**T-SHIRTS AND POSTERS OF ALL THE CHARACTERS WHICH I COULD BUY AT THE **

**MALL AND OBSSESIVELY COLLLECT!!!!**

**...I'm okay, seriously, I am.**

"Colette, why do you want to come HERE?" Regal sighed.

"PLEASE?!"

"But why ME?"

"I just told you! No one else would take me!"

"Why couldn't you have just come by yourself...?"

"I need adult supervision!" Colette smiled.

Regal sighed. "How true..."

The blonde ran up and sat on Santa's lap.

"HIIIII SANTA!"

"Why hello!"

"A pony, and a butterfly, and a kitty, and a bunny, and a million puppies!"

"Well...I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks Santa!"

"Have you been a good girl?"

"Uh-huh!" she nodded. "I saved the world, and had mercy and pity on my enemeies, and helped

everyone who was in trouble!"

Colette went on to talk about all the people she helped, and was about to the part about the two-

hundred and third kitty she got out of a tree when Santa interrupted.

"Did you do anything BAD?!"

"Well...I..." Colette sniffed. "I...I did..."

"What?"

"I...Oh it's so horrible! I'm so sorry!"

"What?"

"I KILLED people! I know they were trying to destroy the world and kill me but I feel so

HORRIBLE about it!" Colette cried.

"But if it was self-defense, then you shouldn't feel THAT bad-"

"But I do! I'm so AWFUL! And then I...I...I KICKED a puppy!" the blonde cried into his shoulder.

"Why did you do that?"

"Well, the Cruxis Crystal stole my soul and I was nothing but a doll, but STILL! I'm AWFUL!"

She contined to cry onto his shoulder, he awkardly looked at Regal.

"Is she always like this?"

"Yes." Regal said. "You get used to it."

"When's she going to stop crying?"

"I'm guessing till the end of the chapter."

"Damn. Well...what do YOU want for Christmas?"

Regal sighed. "All I want-"

"Hold on. This isn't another emo 'my girlfriend is dead' thing, is it?"

"...Maybe."

"Then I don't want to hear it. I've heard two already!"

"...Then can I ask for scissors?"

"Scissors? What for?"

"I want to cut my hair." Regal said. "Look at it!"

"Huh...okay, that I can do. Have you been good?"

"...I'm a CONVICT! HELLO?! Have I been GOOD?! CONVICT!"

"Oookkkkkaaaayyyyy...uh, could you leave now?"

"Okay!" Colette chirped, having a mood swing. "BYE SANTA!"

The blonde ran off and Regal relunctantly followed.

"I've got to get a better job..." 'Santa' muttered, then took a swing of vodka.

**Remember kids: Don't take alcohol! Because it makes you feel like shit and then you do shitty **

**things with shitty people. I know because my friend did it and she told me about it and now **

**everytime she hears 'alcohol' she flinches. So personally, I'm not gonna touch the stuff.**

**Er...yeah...that went off topic...**

**Merry Christmas?**


	6. Sheena and Disguises

**Tis the season to get sugarhigh!  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own ToS. Why must you torture me with that question?! WHY?!  
**

"I don't know..."

"Come on. I'm talking ten thousand gald, you know you want it."

"...Fine. But only five minutes."

"AWESOME!"

The 'Santa' left, Zelos, the briber, taking his place, putting on the Santa outfit. See...it was part of his

master plan...Sheena was coming today. Meaning she had to sit on his lap...Zelos, you're evil!

"Hello?"

"Ah! Hello my beatiful guest." Zelos smiled. "Are you here to tell me what you want for Christmas?"

"Yeah...Uhm..."

Sheena awkwardly sat on his lap, the philanderer's heart racing.

"See-"

"Have you been a good girl this year?" Zelos waggled his eyebrow.

"Uh...Yes. I saved the world...and didn't do anything bad..."

"Great. So what do you want, hm...?"

"Well...I want a boyfriend. Someone nice, polite, and respectful."

"Wait...So girls like 'respect'?!" Zelos gasped. "They DON'T like being hit on constantly?!"

"Of course not!" Sheena scoffed. "We like knowing were valued, and thought of as people."

"...Really..." Zelos blinked. "Wow, I wish I knew that before..."

"Huh? Why? Do you have a girl you like?"

"Well, yeah. She's really hot, but everytime I tell her that she gets MAD. I mean, I don't know any other

way to tell her I like her, and I just want to be loved..."

"Aw..." Sheena smiled. "Just try being respectful."

"...Okay then. I can't believe I'm saying this, but get off my lap."

"Huh?"

"Uh..."

"OH MY GOD! ZELOS?!"

"...Guilty?"

"YOU FREAKING LIKE ME?! I mean, SERIOUSLY?! Not just flirting?!"

"Yeah..."

"Wait...and you just told me to get OFF your lap?!"

"Yeah..."

There was a silence.

"Oh ZELOS!"

Sheena and Zelos started making out, scarring for life a passing child.

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

The real 'Santa' had come back, gaping at his impersonater making out with a ninja.

"...What?" Sheena asked.

"We'll go get a room." Zelos smirked. "COME ON MY HUNN- I mean, my dear Sheena."

"Oh ZELOS!"

Both of them ran off to make out in a hotel room.

"My Mana..." Santa shook his head.

He sat back down at his chair, then she came...as in..RAINE.

"Woah, I thought you said I was a fake." Santa said.

"Uhm...Well..." she muttered. "Can I tell you what I want? Just to be sure?"

"Sure..."

Raine sat on his lap, blushing.

"See...What I want for Christmas is...well, I want to find my true love."

"What?" Santa blinked.

"Well...I mean, I can't seem to find someone I 'connect' with, you know? I mean, Kratos is drop dead

sexy, but that'd mean Lloyd would have to be my SON. And oh dear God, anything but that!"

"What about Regal?"

"Regal's too morbid, and dear God, he needs to button his pants."

"...What about the other guy? The one with the cape?"

"You mean Yuan?"

"Yeah. I hear he's really hot. And he knows how to treat a woman."

"Hm...Okay! Thanks! I'll go mistletoe him!"

Raine ran off, 'Santa' grinned and took breath spray. "Oh HELL yes! I'll see you there my little dove!"

Then a dove fell out of the sky and knocked him out. The end.

**...No comment. Merry Christmas!**


	7. Next Generation

**HEHEH! TIS THE SEASON! X3**

**I'm using some of my ocs from my 'Grandkid' Saga, okay? I used all the characters we **

**really care about last year. ****Though if there's somone you want in here I haven't used, **

**tell me, okay? BTW, if you were confused about the last ****chapter, yes, that was Yuan **

**who told Raine to flirt with the 'cape wearer'. She did so, that's why Chala, who's in this **

**chapter, exists. However, 'Santa' was at all other times some random dude, that **

**random dude is the guy in this chapter, ****okay? Okay.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!  
**

Well, it was some years since that Christmas time we last knew of, and, like they did as children,

the ToS group was bringing their offspring to partake in the tradition of 'santa-ing'...

"Dad, I'm not doing this."

"Oh come on, we did when we were your age!"

"That's right!"

"Mom, Dad, that's because you two were idiots."

Lloyd's eye twitched and Colette frowned as their daughter glared at them defiantly, arms

crossed over her chest in a very Kratosy pose. A girl of about fifteen with spiky, dark auburn

hair that fell to her shoulders, bright blue eyes, blue and purple shirt and slacks coupled with an

attitude and Kratos' glare.

"..." Kratos spoke up, "She has a point."

"Dad! Come on!" Lloyd cried.

"Yeah!" Dirk smiled, "She's not an a'dult yit!"

"..." the girl sighed, "Fine, I'll do it..."

"That a girl, Cheresea!" Lloyd grinned.

"Hmph."

The teenager sighed and went to sit on the 'santas' lap.

"Let's get this over with," she muttered.

"Ho ho ho! Have you been a good girl this year?"

"...Um...I guess?"

"Well, you haven't killed anyone or anything, right?"

"Me? No, though I did help kill someone...but that's because he was trying to kill us!!"

"Huh?"

"Well, the insaniac was trying to destroy us all, so..."

"Are you another 'save the world' person?"

"Yeah, why?"

"So...I mean, have you done anything bad?"

"Well..." she frowned, "I have a habit of beating the crap out of this boy who hits on me, I

punched some jerk in the face, got into a catfight with a bitch- oh, and I swear. Other than that, I

think I'm okay..."

"Hm...well...weighing that against saving the world..."

"Oh boy," Cheresea sighed.

"Oh well, so what do you want for Christmas?"

"Me? Uhm...well..." she bit her lip.

"Well?"

"Er..." Cheresea blushed, "Well, I want ONE thing...but I don't think I can get it..."

"Really? What is it?"

The girl looked around and then whispered into his ear.

"...Ah, well, I don't think I can give you that..."

"I knew it," she sighed.

"Hey, cheer up! I'm sure you'll get something..."

"Well...there is SOMETHING else..."

"Oh?"

Cheresea smiled like a hyper-active blonde.

"I wanna kitten! Cats are so cute and fluffy-"

"Oh-"

"And fuzzy and fun-"

"Okay, I-"

"AND THEY MAKE SOUNDS!! THEY GO MEOW!!!"

"All right-!"

"MEOW KITTIES! THEY WILL RULE! AHHAHAH-!"

Cheresea cut off suddenly and coughed.

"Er...sorry about that...eheheh...heh..."

"It's...o...kay..."

"Oh, and I'd also like some 'Naruto' videogames."

"Huh? Why?"

"Because this guy I know is obsessed with it so I wanna see what's so cool about it."

"Ah, I see...a guy?"

"Yeah, see, he's a ninja too so he's...you know, like that."

"Ah..."

"Anyway, thanks for listening, Santa!"

Cheresea ran over to her parents, grandfather, and adoptive grandfather.

"Well? How'd it go?" Lloyd grinned.

"What'd you wish for, honey bunch?" Colette smiled.

"..." Cheresea blushed.

"...You didn't ask for a boyfriend, did you?" Lloyd glared.

"Gimme a break, dad!"

"I know what she wished for."

A girl of sixteen with long blue hair and blue-gray eyes was walking toward them with a short

boy wearing green with pink hair. Cousins, by the name of Chala and Jeremy.

"Chala?!" Cheresea snapped.

"Mother made me take Jeremy to see 'santa'," she hissed.

"Aunt Raine rocks!" Jeremy grinned.

Chala smacked Jeremy.

"Shut up and go talk to the fat man!" she growled.

"OUCH! GOING! GOING!"

The short boy dashed over to 'Santa' and sat on his lap.

"Ho ho ho! Hello little boy, what do you want for Christmas?"

"Me? Well, I'd like...hm...well, I'm not sure."

"Really?"

"Yeah. See, my moms idea of fun is chopping things up, or poking animals, and my dads is

reading books that weigh more than I do and inventing things, so...Oh! I know!"

"What is it?"

"I'd like to see my Mom smile."

"...What?"

"Oh, you see, she lost her soul a long time ago and still won't show much emotion. I think I've

only seen her smile once or twice in my whole life," he said.

"Oh, that's terrible-...wait, what? Lost her soul? Pokes animals?"

"Yeah."

"Pink hair? Blankish eyes? Carries an axe bigger than she is?"

"Dude, yeah! How'd you know?"

"Er...I can't tell you."

"Huh?"

"She said if I ever told anyone she was her, she'd decapitate me."

"Oh, yeah, that sounds like mom."

"Er...so, have you been good?"

"Hm...well...letsee...I helped save the world...I didn't kill anyone...yeah."

"Oh, good! So are you sure there's nothing you want?"

"Well...yeah, I want a tranquilizer gun."

"I-...what?"

"See, there's this girl I like, but her dads...kinda...aw, hell, he's completely out of his mind crazy,

and if I go near her he looks like he'll hurt me...and HE did kill people."

Santa was silent.

"O-okay...um...good luck with that."

"Thanks!"

Just then, Chala walked up to them.

"You done?" she asked.

"Yeah." Jeremy nodded.

"Great, then let's-"

"Wait, cous! you've gotta go to Santa too!"

"What? Yeah right, like I'd waste my time with some fake-"

"Fake?" Jeremy gasped.

"Er...I mean, of course he's real...yeah..."

"Huh-?" Santa blinked, "Doesn't he know-?"

"JEREMY! I think you should go over there! NOW!"

Jeremy ran off.

"Doesn't he know there's no such thing as Santa?"

"Well..."

"He's like twelve, isn't he?"

"Thirteen...but see...he uh...has the mind of an eight year old."

"He's mentally impaired?"

"No, I mean...he is _suppossed _to be an eight year old, but a couple months ago he ate one of my

mothers experiments and it hastened his growth so he hit puberty..."

Santa stared.

"...WHAT?"

"Oh whatever, I'm leaving-"

"You're not gonna ask for something?" he teased.

"...Sure, I'll ask for something..."

Chala grabbed Santa by the throat and smashed him into the wall.

"YOU WILL GIVE ME CHEESE, DO YOU HEAR ME!? CHEESE!!"

"I- I- WHAT?! HEY! PUT ME DOWN-!"

Chala stuck her hand, which held a ball of electricity, into his face.

"I GET MY CHEESE ON CHRISTMAS OR THIS GOES DOWN YOUR THROAT!!"

"AAH!!"

"GOT IT!?"

"YES! FOR GODS SAKE, YES!!"

"Good."

Chala dropped him and walked out with her cousin.

"...What...the...hell...?" Santa gaped, "She's crazy...!"

"I HEARD THAT!"

"OH SWEET GOD! NO! I WANT TO LIVE! LIIIIIIVVEEE!!!"

**And they never saw him again. Lol. **

**Review please?**


	8. Quet and Clones

**Well, I'm glad to see my using my OCs has gone over well. n.n As per request, I have **

**added Lerek, Malk and Quet into this ****chapter for kicks. Let's see what happens, X3**

**Dislcaimer: I own nothing!**

Well, after some medical help and major therapy, Santa was back in action, although scared for

his life at the mention of electricity or cheese he was okay for the most part...

That is, until they showed up.

"Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!"

"Omigosh! It's Santa! It's Santa!!"

A seventeen year old boy with blue-teal hair and blue eyes was jumping up and down like a

sugarhigh kindergartener, the thirteen year old violet head beside him rolling his eyes.

"Told ya 'e was real, Quet!" the girl said.

A orange-haired girl of about sixteen years, her hair put into a long pony-tail as she wore

tattered old clothes and an accent that could've rivaled Larry the Cable guy.

"Oh Santa!"

The older boy sat on Santas lap, starry eyed.

"Er...Ho ho ho! What do you want for Christmas?"

"My name's Lerek!" he chirped obliviously, "And I don't know what I want!"

"You don't?"

"Hm...nope!" he smiled, "I'm just glad ot have such a wonderful life!"

A group 'aw' was heard.

"Well, that's very nice," Santa smiled, "Have you been good all year?"

"Um..."

"What?"

"I haven't been living for a year..." he said.

A silence.

"What?"

"A-ah! Lerek!" Quet cried, "Remember, you're not suppossed to-?"

"Oh yeah! I'm not supposed to tell anyone I'm actually a genetic experimental attempt at a clone

of the Desian Forcystus and I didn't get out of the lab I was in until a few months ago!!"

Quet smacked himself in the face and the girl bashed her head against a wall.

"...Say what?" Santa stared.

"I mean...nothing?" Lerek smiled.

"...I'm going to ignore that, so...have you been good?"

"Oh! I've been really good!" he nodded, "I like to help people, and deliver things, and once a

little girl dropped her ice cream so I bought her a new one! Is that good?"

"Why, yes, it is," Santa smiled, "So-"

"Um...though..."

"Though?"

Lereks voice- which was previously airy and naive- suddenly became dark and stern.

"I hurt some people," he stated, his cute little face vanishing.

"...You...hurt...people..."

"They tried to hurt my friend, Malk," he muttered, "...So I stabbed them...

"O-okay! That's enuff 'o dat!!"

The orange-haired girl, Malk, ran over and pulled Lerek away.

"S'rry bout'em," she said, "He uh...er...gits like dat summtime."

"...You're all psychotic, aren't you?" Santa asked.

"Us? Shooooot, ya should see Mist'r Y!"

"Who-?"

"Mah turn!"

Malk sat on Santas lap, grinning.

"Mah name's Malk and I'd a like mechanical singing fish!"

"...A what-?"

"And a CD er Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck jokes! They's funny, dem dere!"

"...O...kay...Well, have you been good all year?"

"Me? Shoot! I'm one a da sweetest darlins ya ever did meet!" Malk smiled.

"Hah! Yeah right!" Quet laughed.

"SHADDUP YA LIL' VARMIT! I'LL SLIT YA THROAT!"

Santa was attempting to find his 'happy place' by this time.

"So, dats all I wan'!" Malk smiled, "Thanks, Santa!"

Malk jumped off his lap and went over to Lerek, whom looked confused.

"Um, Malk?" he blinked, "What happened? I remember Santa telling me helping the little girl

with the ice cream was good, but then my head got kinda fuzzy...what happened?"

"Er...nuttin'!" Malk laughed nervously.

"Oh, okay!" he smiled.

"Phew..."

"Well, are you two done?" Quet asked, "We need to get back-"

"Oh! Quet! You've gotta ask Santa for something!"

"...Lerek, though I am physically a child I've been alive for over one thousand years, thanks to

those assholes at Cruxis, therefore I will NOT lower myself to the level of-"

Lerek begin to sniffle.

"...DAMMIT!"

Quet sat on Santas lap.

"Ho ho ho! What would you like for Christmas?"

"...I'm onto you, fat-man."

"Huh?"

"Breaking into houses and leaving 'gifts'...I know what you're really doing," Quet glared, "You're

implanting mind control devices in the presents, so when people sleep their gifts come to life and

then suck out the brains of their victims, turning them into mindless zombies driven to obey your

every order and whim!!"

Santa stared.

"...Sorry, I just really wanted to say that," Quet grinned.

"...Right...okay..."

Santa was hitting the 'security' button on the armrest.

"At any rate, there is only one thing I want..."

"What's that?"

"...I want to look like an adult-"

"HO HO HO!" Santa laughed, "Kids, you want to grow up so fast-"

"Don't call me a kid, fatso! I've been on this earth before your great-grandfather was a cell!"

"All right, kid, you're being very 'naughty' now-"

"Don't call me 'kid'!" Quet snapped, "I've been stuck like this for a thousand years, bossed

around by some femboy lunatic, forced to do unspeakable things with Pronyma, and I'm being

called, 'kid'!"

"Just calm down-"

"NO! I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! I HAD TO PUT UP WITH MITHOS' FREAKING

RANTS FOR A MELLINIUM! ONE THOUSAND YEARS! AND ALL I CAN DO WAS

STAND THERE AND SAY 'Yes, Lord Yggdrasill', 'No, Lord Yggdrasill' WELL DAMMIT!

NOW IT IS MY TIME TO RANT! DO YOU HEAR ME!? NOW I AM GOING TO SAY

EXACTLY WHAT I WANT AND NO ONE IS GOING TO-!"

Quet fell over, having been knocked unconscious by Malk.

"S'rry bout that!" she laughed, "Well, M'rry Christmas!"

Malk dragged Quet off as Lerek followed, meanwhile, Santa had curled into a fetal posistion on

the chair, rocking back and forth while muttering 'too much eggnog, too much eggnog'.

**Hm...am I losing my touch at these...? Er, nevermind...**

**Review please! Merry Christmas! n.n **


	9. Freaks and Witches

**Sigh... Man, it seems the older I get the less a deal Christmas is... **

**Seriously, it's just not as fun once you find out the fat- ****man doesn't **

**actually exist. (Mutters) Dang I need a candy cane...**

**Dislcaimer: I own nothing!  
**

**I seriously need a candycane...**

"...What the hell..."

"Oh come on-"

"No. No way. We are not doing this-"

"But KRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLL!!!!"

The tall black-haired boy covered his ears, his gray eyes grimanced along

with his eerily white skin. His little sister- whom held the same coloring-

whine, clutching her pet bushbaby, Cheki.

"AGH! All right all right! FINE!"

"YAY!" the girl cried.

She and her brother made their way to where Santa was sitting, the older

sibling, Kral, sighing as his baby sister Majdat sat on Santas lap, grinning

brightly (Making Kral flinch)

"HO HO HO! What's your name?"

"My name's Majdat Rasu, Mr. Santa sir!" she piped.

"I see! And what do you want for Christmas?" he smiled.

"Hm...a soul."

"Huh-?"

"Just kidding!" she giggled, "What I want is a baby carriage?"

"What? What for?" Santa asked.

"For Cheki!" she said, "Isn't he cute?!"

The bushbaby in her lap hopped up and down cutely.

"AAAAAAAAAAWWWWW! Isn't da baby cwute?" she cooed.

Cheki hugged her and Majdat hugged it back.

"Who's my baby? You's my baby! Yes you is!"

"Er...right, have you been good all year?"

"..."

"...Well?"

"Um...is doing the bidding of an evil summon spirit that stabs people, eats

animals live, seduces children and develops plans to take over the world

every thousand years bad?"

Silence.

"...Er...what?"

"Majdat!" Kral snapped, "You-!"

"Oh, I mean...yes?"

"...I'm not even going to ask, Merry Christmas!"

"Thanks!" Majdat chirped.

The girl ran up to her brother smiling.

"Your turn!"

"Wh-what?! Are you serious!? Never! I would NEVER-!"

Majdat whimpered.

"DAMMIT!"

Kral trudged over to Santa and glared at him.

"...Er...What's your name?" he asked.

"I'm Kral Rasu," he stated curtly.

"...And...what do you want for Christmas?"

Kral glared.

"...Anything?"

Kral glared.

"...Okay, fine, then-"

"There's this girl," Kral blurted.

"Hm?"

"...She's got blue hair and steely eyes," he muttered, not looking at him

directly, "She's a total bitch and not a little psychotic...I think she's hot."

"Wait...psychotic...blue hair...is she obssessive and an electromaniac?"

"Yeah, actually..."

Santa began to twitch.

"Dude, what's up with you?" Kral asked.

Santa began to go into a state of shock-induced convulsions.

"..."

"Kral! What'd you do to Santa?!" Majdat cried.

"I didn't do anything!" he said.

There was a silence.

"But I do love watching him twitch..." he smirked evilly.

"KRAL-!"

"I have to agree with you there..." a dark voice hissed.

The children turned to face a freakish- well, a freak. The appearance of a

woman, the same colorings as they, with a dishevled look, slited eyes, fangs,

and a wing where an arm should be.

"Nagas-!" Kral shouted.

"Oh!" Majdat yelped.

"Is that anyway to greet a spirit? And I do NOT seduce children."

There was a silence.

"Just adolescents..." she purred.

Kral and Majdat ran away as fast as possible.

"Oh damn, now the fat man's the only one left to torture..."

Santa passed out.

"DAMMIT! DON'T STEAL MY FUN FROM ME!!"

"Oh, you're here too?"

Nagas turned and glared at the newcomer, a dark-haired, scantily clad and

'well-endowed' elf woman by the name of Abigal. Both 'women' glared.

"Ah, Abby..." Nagas hissed, "How long has it been?"

"About four-thousand years," she spat, "Naggy-ass..."

"And what brings you here?" Nagas hissed.

"...What brings YOU?" the elf spat.

"...I came to give the fat one my demands,"

"Oh?"

"And you? Come to molest him in his sleep?"

Abigal scoffed.

"I'd never-!"

Nagas raised an eyebrow.

"...Do that to someone who's not hot," she muttered.

"Ah, and who would such someones be?" Nagas glared.

"...Listen bitch! Kratos is mine!"

"HAH! He rejected you!"

"He rejected you too!"

"Yes, but I have blackmail and threats on my side, what about you?"

"..."

"You already tried to stick those double-ds in his face-"

"Shut up you-!"

"Make me, whore,"

"THAT'S IT!!"

Abigal and Nagas began a furious bitch fight, which was later caught on

security cameras and sold to: 'Psychotic mana-manipulating bitch whores

gone wild' for a little over a million gald.

Well, the price went up after what happened next.

"What's going on-?...Oh damn."

Nagas and Abigal- whom had been in the middle of strangling each other,

stopped their bloodthirsty bitch-whore rampage to stare at the unfortunate

man who had stubled across them. Kratos.

"...I'm leaving-"

"KRATOS!" both women cried.

Abigal made a licensed fangirl move to glomp him and Nagas simply

appeared behind him using her freaky freak-spirit powers to grab him from

behind.

"What the devil-!?" he cried.

"MINE!" Nagas cried.

"BITCH!" Abigal grabbed him as well, "HE'S MINE!"

"MINE!"

"MINE!"

"...It would be cowardly to cry for help..." Kratos mused.

"I'm gonna rape you, Krattie!!" both females said.

"...HELP! HELP!"

The two 'women' began to bitch fight again...from either side of him.

"HE'S MINE!"

"I HAD HIM FIRST!"

"LIKE HELL!"

Just then, Santa came around.

"Oi, I had the most awful dream-..."

He stopped and stared at the sight, both women glaring at him as if daring

him to utter a word, a rare look of helplessness and pleading on Kratos' face.

"...Well...I'm guessing they're on the naughty list..." he tried to joke.

Both females glared daggers at him.

"Uh..."

"DIE!"

"OH SH-!"

Kratos made a break for it as Santa faced a dual-beating from hell.

"I suppose I should help him-" Kratos said.

"AH! MY SPINE! AH!!!"

"...Then again, we could have a barbeque with the contents of my gifts..."

**Oh I do so love torture, X3 Ahahah-!  
**

**Woah...sounded a bit too much like Nagas there...(Shudders) **

**Er...right... ****Review! n.n Think of it as a Christmas gift for me! Please? **

**Merry Christmas!**


	10. Blondes, pervs, and psychos

**...Christmas is almost here...and I HAVEN'T HAD A CANDYCANE!!  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!  
**

**RAWR! I NEED A CANDYCANE! I'M GOING INTO **

**DEPRIVATION! IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS AND I AM SO **

**NOT IN A CHRISTMAS MOOD! I NEED A-!**

**(Spots candycane hanging on Christmas tree)**

**...SKLEE:D**

**(Is sucking on candycane while writing this)**

**Now it feels like Christymas n.n **

"I can't believe I got dragged into this..."

"But I really appreciate it, Trethe!" a boy chirped.

The dark haired, green-eyed boy whom had muttered the first sentence glared

at the older- yet somehow more childish looking, blonde half-elf boy by the

name of Salith.

"I can't believe Mom made me take you to see SANTA..."

"Mrs. Sheena is so nice!" Salith chriped.

"Mnegh..." Trethe spat. "Well, there he is."

"SANTA!"

Salith skipped over and sat on Santa's lap.

"Ho ho ho! What do you want for Christmas?" he asked.

"Me? Hm..I really can't think of anything," he smiled.

"Nothing at all?" Santa raised an eyebrow.

"Nope!" he smiled, "I've got friends, what else could I possibly want?"

"...Wow...are you...human?"

"Hm? Me? Nope! I'm a half-elf!" he chirped.

"Y-yeah...but still.."

"Oh COME ON!" Trethe scoffed, "You can't be serious, Salith!"

"But I don't want anything," he blinked.

"Move it, kid, I'll show you how it's done."

"Kid? Aren't I older than you?"

"Sure as hell don't act like it...now it's my turn! Santa!"

"Yeah?"

"I want some playboy magazines, Robot Chicken DVDs, the PS3, Nintendo

Wii, assorted games for such, a PSP with 'Tales of the World' even though

they don't have mom and dad...Oh! And Naruto: Uzumaki Chronicles 2, and

Naruto: Ultimate Ninja Heroes...yeah, got it?"

"Wow, that's a lot," Salith blinked. "Have you been good?"

"I saved the world, that counts, doesn't it?"

"But don't you also peek at girls?"

"...So?"

"That's not very nice," Salith said.

"...Are you gay?"

"Huh? Am I happy? Why?"

Trethe rolled his eyes, "I'm nice, okay?"

"What did you do that was nice?" Santa asked.

"I declined a request to kill blondie, for one." he looked at Salith.

"HUH!?" Salith gasped, "You want to KILL me...?"

"No, someone else wants you dead though- I mean...no?"

Salith began to whimper and Trethe smacked himself.

"All right all right! Don't do the crying thing!!"

Salith began to cry.

"N-no! Don't-! I'll get you ice cream if you don't-!"

"Okay!" Salith chirped.

"...You are weird, dude..."

So Trethe grumbled, dragging the blonde he was babysitting to the ice cream

parlor. Babysitting being the appropriate term, seeing as Salith had the IQ of a

four year old. As the young Wilder went about the task of herding the half-elf,

another half-elf was in turn herding his daughter to Santa.

"Yay! Santa, Santa!" she cheered.

A young part-elven girl by the name of Sari skipped a long, her father sighing

behind her. She was thirteen, why did she believe in Santa?! His fault, seeing

as he wasn't around to raise her...but then...if he had, she would probably be

a TAD more...well, insane, being who he was...

"Daddy, come on!" she said.

"All right, Sari, all right..." he sighed, "Stupid Santa..."

"Huh!? Why do you think Santa's stupid?!" Sari cried.

"..."

"Oh...I know! You were on the naughty list!"

"Wh-what?! No I wasn't-!"

"Daddy, you split the worlds in half, killed millions of people, betrayed

people who would've cared for you, and sent the stability of the world into

total discord."

"...Say another word, and you're grounded, got me?"

Sari nodded and skipped over to sit on Santa's lap as her father, the one and

only Mithos Yggdrasill, sulked as he remembered the abundance of coal he

had recieved in the past few mellinia.

"Ho ho ho! What do you want, little girl?"

"Me? Oh...well..." she blushed, "Um..."

"Can't think of anything?" Santa asked.

"Er..."

"Well, have you been good this year?"

"Me? Oh yes, I have," she nodded. "I help people a lot!"

"That's good," he smiled, "So what would you like?"

"Um...hm...well..."

Sari fidgeted a moment before doing something quite unexpected. The girl

got up, grabbed Santa by the collar and jerked him to face her as a manic

look came to her eyes.

"I WANT THE SECRET TO WORLD DOMINATION, DO YOU HEAR

ME?! I WANT THE NOBILITIES HEADS ON A PLATTER! I WILL

RULE THE WORLD AND EXTRACT MY VENGENCE ON THE

PATHETIC SOULS OF THOSE WHO CALL ME CRAZY! I AM NOT

CRAZY! DO YOU HEAR ME?!"

"H-holy sh-!" Santa gasped.

"Oh, but exclude the Wilders and Mr. Bryant from the 'heads of the nobility'

thing, okay?" she smiled innocently, "I like them, they can live. Hee hee."

Santa went into a state of mental collapse.

"Chirp crick cricket cree!"

A cricket by the name of Fred applauded, Mithos with him.

"Good maniacal rant, Sari! Thatta girl!" Mithos grinned.

"O-oh..." Sari blushed, embarassed.

**Ah, poor poor Sari...more like her dad every day, lol! n.n**

**Merry Christmas!**


End file.
